Often when we attempt to communicate with people around us, it does not give the results that we are looking for and we don’t understand what we are doing wrong. It can be easy to blame the other person for not understanding us, but what if the problem lies with us and the way that we communicate?

Can I take your order?

Have you ever noticed how specific we communicate while ordering from a drive thru window? No order is more specific than those ordered at a coffee shop; you can have your coffee with extra whip, no foam, extra shot, light ice, shaken not stirred, sugar-free, 4 pumps, etc. However, when we communicate in relationships, we are often vague and don’t say what we want or need.

Whether it be parent to child, child to parent, intimate partner, or friendships; we often talk in general terms or assume the other person will know what we mean by our words. I often hear people say “well he should know what I want or need” or “if I have to ask for it, then it won’t be genuine if I am given what I am asking for.”

I think both of those are statements that keep people from having to be vulnerable and ask for what they are wanting. It is true, you can ask for what you need or want and you might not get it. However, if you do not ask specifically for what you want, there is a greater chance that you won’t get it. What would relationships look like if we were as specific in our communication as we are at drive thrus?

We would have to start by identifying what we actually want, then we would have to identify the audience that we want to speak our delicately crafted request to that audience, and then we would have to speak those words without assuming or needing a specific outcome.

Let’s start with identifying with what we actually want. Do you know what you want? Is it feasible to attain? Is it a want or a need? In order to identify what we want/need, we need to look at whether or not we are looking to get a need met or want an action by another person. If we are looking to get a need met, we need to identify the actual need we have. This may sound simple, but based on the communication I see, I do not actually think it is so simple. How often do we know what we actually need and want? According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, we can have different levels of needs and the need we have indicates the level it is in the hierarchy(insert future blog on this here). I think in relationships, the need is most likely going to be in the levels of safety and security, love and belonging, or self-esteem. Once we know what we actually need or want, then we can work on how to ask for that want or need to be met. If we are looking at the action that we want another person to do, it may still connect to a need or want we have, but it is possible for the action of the other person to be the focus.

Once we know what we need or want, we have to look at asking for it to be met very clearly. This is where drive thru communication is effective. We ask for what we want or need specifically and with as much detail as we can. So if we want words from another person, we ask for the words that we need to hear. If we need an action, we ask for the specific action that we are looking for. Before making our request, we need to examine what we want to say to make sure that it sounds clear and specific. Sometimes we want to use language that excludes information we assume the other person has so our communication is not specific. For example, if we ask someone to clean the bathroom, we assume they know what it means to clean a bathroom and how to do it to the standard that we would clean a bathroom. And yet, rarely do two people clean a bathroom the same way or to the same level. So, if you want to ask someone to clean the bathroom for the first time, you need to be specific about what that looks like or accept the end result regardless of what is done. However, many people ask for a bathroom to be cleaned, do not give specifics, and then are upset when it is not done to the standard that they did not ask for. That is the trouble with assumptions in communication and why so many people run into problems.

Once the need/want is identified and the artfully crafted request is made, we must free the receiver to not meet the need. Now, that may sound very frustrating after all the work that has been done, but if we craft our request and think that it demands or requires a specific response or action, then that is what I call “micro-control.” We are attempting to control the situation through our words and that is impossible. We do not have control over anyone or anything, in fact, it is hard enough to have control over ourselves. We must allow our focus to be on our delivery and communication, not on the response of the other person. However, it is amazing how effective clear communication is in helping us get what we want. It won’t always work perfectly, just as sometimes our order is wrong when we order at an actual drive thru. And sometimes when we don’t get the response that we are looking for, we can ask what the other person heard us say to ensure our communication was heard correctly. Our communication is only as good as what was heard, not what was said. So often the response we get to our communication is an opportunity for us to continue our work on improving how clearly we communicate. Clear communication does not usually come naturally and is something to be worked on and refined. We learn to communicate from our own family of origins and often we do not learn the best communication skills from them. The family dynamic and the learning it gives about not just communication, but all things life is the topic of another blog to come.

Communication in Action

Take some time to examine your own communication style and whether or not the words that you say are clear in communicating what you want to say. And if you aren’t sure or want to test it, ask yourself “does this sound as specific as what I would say in a drive-thru?”